Why I love Duke Nukem Forever!

Duke Nukem 3D was one of the most enjoyable first person shooter games of the mid 1990s. Although arguably not as ground breaking as Doom or Goldeneye, it had a lot going for it. Aside from its notoriously crude humour, it was blessed with some cleverly designed levels, from spaceships to adult entertainment stores, and lots of fun weapons such as pipe bombs, shrink rays and jet packs. Expansion packs were released, but what everyone really wanted was an official sequel from developer 3D Realms.

Fans’ wishes were granted when Duke Nukem Forever was announced in April 1997. After the release of some promising looking screenshots and demonstration footage, the game quickly entered development hell. 3D Realms made frequent changes in the technology behind the game which, along with disputes between the company and its publisher Take Two, severely delayed the game to the point where the game’s very name became a joke.

No-one was therefore surprised when just a few weeks ago, after 12 years of developing the game, 3D Realms announced that it would be closing down, or at the very least heavily downsizing, due to financial troubles. Duke Nukem Forever, still unfinished, will likely never see the light of day.

However, unlike other commentators, I have come to praise Duke Nukem Forever not to bury it. During the most difficult moments of my life, I have derived much solace from Duke Nukem Forever’s protracted development. Now matter how selfish my friends and family are, how corrupt and greedy our politicians and bankers have become or how fanatical the extremists who now wish to kill and maim us, I took heart from one thing. At least I wasn’t one of the muppets who had spent 12 years developing a video game with nothing to show for it.

According to the online list at duke.a-13.net, the following events and milestones have taken the same amount of time or less as the 12 years taken to develop Duke Nukem Forever:

• The construction of the Suez Canal
• The entire career of the Beatles
• The filming and release of all three Star Wars prequel movies and the Lord of the Rings trilogy
• The introduction of the European single currency
• The Second World War
• The ageing of this writer from a pimply faced, bright eyed, bushy tailed 18-year-old to a bitter, cynical, mildly hysterical 30 year old. Actually this one isn’t on there, but it should be.

So to paraphrase Monty Python, when things in life are getting you down, making you swear and curse, don’t grumble, have a cheery whistle! Because at least you’re not responsible for Duke Nukem Forever!

Alan Lu