Hanging on the telephone

Have you recently experienced an accident at work? We just wanted to let you know that we're in your area and would like to give you a free quote. Of course, you're not obliged to buy our double-glazing, fascias, soffits, a new drive or a great mobile phone deal. Now please provide some personal details for verification and our representative will be with you at your earliest convenience.

And so it goes - the 'telephone spam' known as cold-calling or telemarketing. Companies buy your details from other companies and then call you at the least opportune moments to sell you things you don't want. When I'm in the middle of a domestic argument, washing up the dishes or a bottle of gin (it is no coincidence that I've listed those particular items in that specific order), the last thing I need to hear about is new guttering. And yet somehow the sales drones have a knack of picking the worst time to call, which means it's time for action.

The sensible and mature approach to solving the problem of unsolicited phone calls is to register with the Telephone Preference Service (TCP). Its website will let you enter various details including whether your number is residential, belongs to a sole trader or applies to one of a number of other options culminating in 'PLC'. You then type in your phone number, postcode, choose your actual address from a list and lose the will to live. That's not entirely fair, but you do have to answer a fair few questions, including your main reason for registering. We'd choose "To stop unwanted telephone marketing calls." Well, that's the most appropriate option available. If there was one with fruitier language we'd pick that instead.

After all that, you should receive an email containing a link. Click it and your telephone spam hell ought to be over. It won't be, of course, but at least you can now complain about companies that bother you. You'd do so by registering a complaint on the TPS site.

Of course, this is the measured and mature approach that we'd expect every self-respecting Shopper reader to take. It would be wholly childish and debasing to goad the innocent call centre staff by pretending to be deaf, stupid or interested. You need time and energy to play practical jokes on the lovely people who have disturbed you from the one line-in you get each week. Or you need an easy-to-follow flow chart designed to do all the hard work for you.

Such a chart can be found here. The EGBG anti-telemarketing Counterscript is a tool that is similar to the charts used by telephone spammers.

It works something like this:

Sales drone (SD): Blah blah, in your area, free quote, blah blah blah.
You (reading from the chart): To whom am I speaking?
SD: Fred Bloggs
You: Could you spell your name for me?

The scripted conversation will continue for some time, as you plough further into your script to discover such gems as "how long have you been in the telemarketing business?", "How much do you earn?" and "Do you get time off for going to a dentist?"

The script even contains measures for when the caller fails to cooperate. For example, if they continue to ask questions you would respond with, "I can't provide this information because I need unprejudiced answers." If they want to know what happens to the answers you can say, "I can appreciate your hesitation Mr/Mrs..., however, this is an important piece of information used for verification purposes and I will handle it with strict confidentiality."

Finally, if they get upset you are advised to say, "Do you have a problem answering questions to a stranger on the telephone about which you don't know the purposes?"

Obviously you need the spare time and inclination to play with a script like this but in principle it's great fun. Go to the site, print yourself a copy and carry it with you at all times. And consider laminating it, because you're bound to be elbows-deep in washing up when the next call comes.